This is a post I made a while back that I edited because I didn't want anyone to see. I figure it may help some of you understand how I am feeling right now:

I'm all alone.

I am so lonely, sitting in Zabel's empty room.

Why aren't you on Zac?

It is 1:30 after all.

No one likes me enough to care that I'm here all alone.

I miss 9th Grade.

And I miss Bret, why does it have to be for so long.

I am going to be a wreck by the time Bret comes back.

I'm so tired of being all alone.

I'm always all alone.

Bret is gone, and no one else seems to care about me enough to see how lonely I truly am.

Of course I hide it, people aren't supposed to be able to see easily.

If they did then I would always be alone.

It is funny because just a few minutes ago I was so happy.

But that is gone now.

You know, I get the feeling that I would be doing a lot better in school if Bret were still here.

Even friends have to go.

Bret was always around.

My life feels so hollow and without purpose.

I just don't feel like I am worth anything anymore.

I just keep putting one sentence per line.

In the end, it doesn't matter really.

I miss Bret so much.

Why is it that there isn't anyone to comfort me.

My parents don't help, lately they have started acting strangely.

Almost as if getting good grades in school is the most important thing in the entire universe.

If I finish my homework they are suddenly proud, when just a few minutes before they were acting like not having my homework done is shameful.

I feel so old for no apparent reason.

And school is suddenly so hard.

Maybe if school were year round it would be a bit easier.

I just am not mature enough to handle this yet.

I'm fifteen years old and my entire future depends on if I do well in school or not.

I wish that I could go to a happy place where everyone was happy I was there and people actually tried to hang out.

I wish I didn't talk so much.

I wish that I didn't have autism.

I wish that I didn't have ADHD.

I wish that I could just be normal.

It is all in vain.

I will never get my wish.

I will never be truly happy.

I am doomed to have an unpleasant and unhappy existence.

To think that none of this is caused by the death of family or friends or anything like that.

It all sprouted from one thing, one thing I don't think even is that much of a burden on me anymore.

And yet it goes on this way.

Almost never happy.

Almost always alone.

Doomed to be alone.

Everyone has a vision for their future.

I have always had the vision of getting married, having a family, and opening a video game business with Bret.

But lately it just seems so unlikely.

Why would anyone want to be with me for eternity?

I can't think of any reasons.

I can think of reasons why not.

Like that I always talk, and that I'm a bit lazy.

And the fact that I'm so different.

No one understands well enough.

There is no one to tell me it will all be alright anymore.

At least no one I believe.

I would believe Bret.

My parents aren't good judges.

And people could say I'm funny, or nice.

But I'm not that good looking.

And people always seem to want to get away.

Yes, I notice it.

They don't like it when I talk to them so much.

I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Someone who cared.

But I know that won't happen.

The only person who was ever like that was Bret.

And when he comes back he won't be the same.

And when he comes back he won't stay with us often.

And strangely no one ever seems to notice that I'm all alone.

No matter how obvious it may be.

No one is paying enough attention.

I really wish the forums would talk back.

And not just other people.

I may delete this message.

It is simply to revealing.

And I am so comfortable in my bubble.

My bubble of oblivion.

But I'm also all alone.

Um... this topic is unimportant... I hesitate to leave it here where someone might see...